I have been a storyteller all my life, but it wasn’t until June of 2010 that I began writing my first manuscript with the intent to query. I had just graduated with my B.A.  and was ready to put everything I had learned in school to practice and begin my path to publishing. I had a plan and was following it step by step. It would all work out.

Oh how totally naive I was.

Firstly, college in no way prepared me for what all goes into making a career as a writer. Not really. Talk about a rude awakening. And secondly, to any writers out there who work full time and/or have kids and yet still find time to write… I take my hat off to you. I worked while trying to write the book of my heart for six years and finally in June of 2016, I made the decision to leave my job to write full-time. I’m extremely grateful and blessed to have been in a position that I could do so (as well as married to a man so supportive of my dreams) because I wouldn’t be where I am today without that.

As a full-time writer, I threw myself into my craft. Hard. After finishing revisions on that first manuscript, I was finally ready to send it out into the world. I sent my first query for my 172K high fantasy novel February of 2017. Yes, it was 172K words. For any non-writers reading this, that is a BIG book for someone’s debut. Few agents are going to take a chance on something that huge and at the time I didn’t know any better because I was still a baby writer. It was seriously a beast but I loved it and so would everyone else. Obviously.

FIRST BOOK (February 2017)

Queries sent (and ultimately rejected): 64

Requests: 1 Partial

OUCH

There was (and still is) a small part of me that believed people were judging me for quitting my job. When you aren’t published, nor do you have a literary agent, when you tell people that you’re a writer they don’t really understand the work that goes into it (by no fault of their own). And that’s so frustrating. So believing that people weren’t taking me seriously (thinking I was just sitting around the house being lazy), I needed to prove to everyone that I was dedicated and had made the right choice. That my passion for writing was worth it. That I was worth it.

Truth be told, I needed to prove it to myself. So while I queried, I was always writing a new book. Always.

SECOND BOOK (March 2018)

Queries sent (and ultimately rejected): 58

Requests: 1 Partial

YIKES

And the cycle continued.

THIRD BOOK (October 2018)– I felt that this was my weakest manuscript and that it would be a hard sell considering the content, so I shelved it fairly quickly.

Queries sent (and ultimately rejected): 32

Requests: 1 Full and 2 Partials

FOURTH BOOK (July 2019)– I still believe there is something special about this book and I refuse to give up on this one. It is one of my favorites and I assure you…. someday you will get to read it.

Queries sent (and ultimately rejected): 79

Requests: 5 Fulls, 1 R&R, 1 Partial

FIFTH BOOK (May 2020)

Queries sent (and ultimately rejected): 49

Requests: 2 Fulls, 3 Partials

I haven’t told you yet how emotionally draining this had all been up to this point, but let me tell you… It was extremely disheartening. People would ask me what I did at social gatherings and I would tell them I’m a writer.

“Are you published?”

“No,” I’d laugh while dying inside. “Not yet. I’m still trying to get a literary agent.”

Then I’d get the polite smile that all us writers know means I have no idea what you’re talking about but okay. And then because I’m me, I always assumed a How nice it must be that you don’t have to work was tagged on to the end of their thoughts because they could never know how extremely difficult it was. FML.

I wasn’t in the healthiest of mindsets during these moments.*awkward laughter*

SIXTH BOOK (January 2021)

This one was it. I just knew it. To be fair, I always felt like the new book was THE ONE. But this one honest to goodness felt different. THIS WAS IT. Full requests began to come in. Holy shit, I had never had so many requests. My gut was screaming that I had finally made it. And then guess what?

Nothing happened.

It was like all the agents I had queried decided to disappear into the void. I have never had such a quiet inbox before. It was absolute torture. I’ll take rejections over silence any day of the week. But then a full became a R&R and I worked my ass off to revise my manuscript and send it back out while sending out new queries with the revision. More requests came in. This was it!

The R&R was rejected and the silence returned.

And finally in June 2021, I decided to take a break from writing.

For five years I had been writing or revising full-time without a single break. I wondered if literary agents were recognizing my name because so little time passed between me querying them with projects. But writing was my life. It was all I did. It was my passion, my job. They didn’t know that. They could have been rejecting me because they thought I didn’t spend enough time on each project and assumed the manuscripts were just thrown together. I rarely got feedback in my rejections so there was no direction for me to go to even revise things to try again. Even on full requests!

“It’s not quite the right fit.”

“I didn’t fall in love with it as much as I was hoping to…”

“After careful consideration, I’ve decided I’m not the best agent to represent this book.”

In the face of so much rejection (and standard rejection) paranoia set in and self-doubt on a level I’d never experienced before.

So what was the point to keep going if I never got a literary agent and therefore never an editor and subsequently never published? Stories are meant to be read. I never wanted to be an audience of one. Sure, I could look into self-publishing (absolutely nothing against being self-published), but being traditionally published had always been my dream. I wanted it so badly.

I have had numerous writing friends become agented through the years, leave their agent and get another agent, be published, and all in a shorter amount of time than my querying journey. There are a lot of writers I found that got agented on the FIRST BOOK they ever queried! Like what is this dark magic and how do I get my hands on it!?!?!? It doesn’t feel good. The green monster is real and it is a son of a bitch. I was thrilled for writers and friends every time I was told the happy news. And then I’d wonder what I was doing wrong? Why was my journey so much more difficult than everyone else’s?

So after six manuscripts and no agent, I questioned whether I should give up. Despite having had received the most requests I’d ever received on a manuscript, my heart was tired and my creative juices had dried up. Burnout is real. I had read so many “How I Got My Agent” posts and so many writers listed having tons and tons of requests during their journey and here I was cheering when I got a single request on a book. I believed I must not be that good of a writer….my victories were nothing compared to others. Other writers would post on twitter about how their betas would text them in the middle of the night about how stunning their books were, or drawing pictures of their characters. People were getting agents lefts and right, publishing deals, chosen as winners in writing contests (I too participated in Pitchwars and Revpit multiple years and was never picked). It was all too much.

So why bother anymore?

It was one of my lowest moments.

I needed to recharge. I stepped away from Twitter and the comparison game I played watching all of the other writers and panicking anytime someone posted a novel aesthetic that even remotely resembled my own. I set down my WIP and I started a business. I began working with one of my closest friends as a wedding videographer and began telling stories in a different medium. Through film. It kept my mind occupied, helped me feel productive, hell I even got paid! But deep inside I wondered if I was a failure. If I had wasted the last five years of my life (technically 11 if you count when I started writing my first book).

And then I got an interesting email on August 18th. An agent enjoyed my book. She read it in 2 days! Holy shit. Holy shit. Is this it? But then she asked if I had other manuscripts that she could see? I had never heard of an agent asking this despite liking a manuscript. Sort of took the wind out of my sails. But hey, she liked my book and was curious about my others. That’s good because she’s looking at my work as a whole for my career. I sent her the blurbs of all of them with the opening pages and hoped for the best.

On August 23rd she emailed me back. She wanted to talk. Eep! There was a 95% chance this conversation could be an offer. But I had heard stories of writers having a phone call and being told it wasn’t a fit or it was only a R&R, so I wasn’t going to allow myself to set down my shields. I COULDN’T EVEN ALLOW MYSELF TO CELEBRATE GETTING “THE CALL.” I seriously was broken. And I know there are writers that have been querying a hell of a lot longer than me so to any writers reading this who have been on the path longer than myself, I see you. And I’m in awe. It is friggen hard.

It wasn’t until I was driving in my car later that day while I was listening to music (Car Radio by Twenty-one Pilots) that I began bawling. Not happy tears. Not tears of relief. Honest to God, it was as if I was grieving. That after years of rejection and trying to protect myself, getting this little email from a stranger would suddenly be the thing that made it all worth it. And while yes, getting that email is amazing, I was grieving the emotions and exhaustion of the last five years. One little email vs years of getting my hopes up and then feeling like crap. Again and again. It’s a mind fuck.

When I finally had the phone call (zoom meeting) and SHE OFFERED, I still didn’t feel the thrill I had always dreamt of. So I spent two weeks worried, trying to figure out if I was feeling this way because maybe she wasn’t the right fit or that I was just so suspicious and jaded, I didn’t know how to embrace something so wonderful and just…BE. To trust it.

I slowly told people through the two weeks while I waited to hear from the agents I had notified about my offer, but I wasn’t freaking out with excitement. I was subdued. It was weird.

I finally agreed to go out to a celebratory dinner with my husband. He took me out for seafood in honor of my East Coast whaling seaport horror book. I began crying over my clam chowder. That. That is when this whole thing felt real and an actual authentic SMILE happened.

Not everyone has the same journey. Not everyone is going to feel the same way as others during certain moments. We are all unique. I worked my ass off to get to this next chapter in my career and I would be a liar if I said I wouldn’t have wished it any other way. Because…..no. It was brutal. But I can say my writing has improved substantially with each book and I’m proud of that. I have made wonderful writing friends, have an amazing writing group (Hi Maggie, Ellen, and Taylor!!!), read other writers amazing manuscripts, figured out my writing process, and honestly have learned so much!

The querying part of my writing journey has been long. Shorter than many and longer than others. But it’s mine alone and I hope that someday, fellow writer, you will get to write your own “How I Got My Agent” post. If you need a break from writing/querying though, take it. I remember telling my friends and family that I needed a break. That I was worried I would never get agented. And while they all meant well, I was tired of hearing the same things. “You’re so talented. I know you will get an agent someday. Don’t give up!”

Rain in the ocean.

That is until I talked with a writing buddy of mine, Yasmin. She told me exactly what I needed to hear. “I know how you feel. I went through the same thing last year. But I hope you keep trying just one more thing. Definitely grieve. And then try again.” No empty platitudes. It may or may not work out, but I hope you continue to try.

So I’m going to pass on her words to those who need it. Grieve. And then try again.

Because maybe the next one is THE one.

And I’m not saying that you have to hit rock bottom before things will happen in some cosmic hand of fate. No. That was just my path. But if you are feeling at all like I was, cut yourself some slack. Feel the feels, ride that wave.

And then try again.

SIXTH BOOK (January 2021):

Queries sent: 68

Requests: 10 Fulls, 1 R&R, 3 Partials.

Offers of representation: 1

Despite the morose vibes to this journey of mine (I’m actually quite a cheery and optimistic person) I am so so so happy to have found a literary agent who believes in my story. In my writing. In me. I feel rejuvenated and I’m thrilled to finally get to say that I am now represented by Michelle Hauck of Storm Literary Agency.

I use to roll my eyes when people kept telling me, “It only takes one!” Because I knew it only took one. I needed to know when! But now, on the other side, it is so true. You only need one person to fall in love with your book. But you also need luck and for the timing to be just right. It’s maddening, but true. It took me 11 years of hard work to get to my ONE. But I’ve made it.

Now people are telling me that being on submission can be harder than querying. But you know what? I’m ready.

Bring it.